Saturday, July 25, 2015

Re: Birth

I hate quiet nights, my anxiety flares up and I can’t sleep
If I cried it out I’d feel better, but crying just makes me thirsty

The truth is, see, even now I can’t stop shaking
I feel like something’s about to break
Don’t just say “It’s OK”
I’m not that strong

In my heart, the words and feelings I’d locked away
Have shaken off reason and begun to run riot again
I get it, already! Don’t glare at me with such a scary expression
Please, just leave me alone for a little while

I don’t want to do the things I love, I’m so afraid of tomorrow I want to die
If I ran away I’d feel better, but if I run away I’ll just want to die of shame

I pretend to be enjoying myself even though I’m not
What for? Who am I doing it for?
What should I do next? Should I smile again?
I don’t know, I can’t find the answer

Shattered, I move to a high place, I’m almost there
But he always keeps getting in the way
There’s something I want so much to tell him, but I can’t say it well
Even though I’m screaming so close to him

I just want to feel better now, but I don’t want to give up
I asked myself again
I keep losing heart, thinking “I can’t go any further...I can’t walk anymore”
But I’ve still managed to keep walking, right?

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What I mean to people

Due to my Bipolar condition, I've acted on impulse and did an experiment. An experiment I wish I didn't do. I was threw into the pit of depression. I was depressed when I got the results and I spent hours and hours just crying for no reason. No, wait, I have a reason but actually it doesn't really matter anymore.

The experiment: 
I was "gone" for 24 hours. I wanted to see who noticed that I wasn't there and try to contact me.

The result:
Nobody asked where I was. Nobody tried to contact me at all. Not family, not friends.

For the 24 hours that I was "gone", nobody, and I mean nobody even tried to find out where I was. No phone calls, no text, and not even one Facebook message. It was then when I started thinking that if I were to die within that 24 hours, I would die alone. Nobody even cares.

At that time, I was seriously being at the lowest point in my life. I am alone. Billions of people in this world, and I am still alone. I also realized what I meant to all these people around me. I am nothing. My existence made no difference to them and it hurts. To them, probably I am just another face in this world.

At some point, I was wishing somebody would just contact me, my mom at least. But nobody ever did. And I have to tell you, when you get to that realization, it hurts. It hurts more that 1000 tonnes of bricks falling on you. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and all I did was cry. Even when I try to calm myself down, these tears won't stop. The temperature is 36 degrees Celsius outside but I'm shivering to my bone. That is how much it hurts.

To anybody who will read this, I don't know who you are. You might be a friend, you might be a family. But all I ask is for you to listen, just listen. I am not asking for attention, no I really do not want all that attention. But please check up on me once in a while. I seriously do not want to die alone. I'm terrified. I know that this is all the depression talking but it still scares me. 

Honestly, I was thinking of taking the blade on my side table and just slash my arteries open. I was thinking that it's going to be revenge so people won't ignore other people anymore. But then, I realized that since I meant nothing to people, my death would also mean nothing, and I would have just died in vain.

So after this, I am probably going into recluse, I won't interact with people until I get help. Until then, please just let me be. Don't try to help me because I do not need your help. I know what I am saying is totally contradicting, but please. Just give me time. This whole article is just contradicting. I don't know, I seriously don't know. My mind is still a mess and I'm just writing this to whatever is going on in my messed up head. I am seriously considering of admitting myself to a nearest psychiatric ward until I can get myself figured out.

To those who have no idea what is wrong with me, I have a diagnosed but untreated Bipolar Disorder. Those who says that this isn't a real disease, I hope you can spend a day as me and see how this illness is slowly sapping away your mental health and how without a stable mental health, how it will physically affects you. I do not wish for you to have it, but just spend a day in my shoes. And before this article makes no sense due to my ADHD, I'm just gonna end it here. You might see me later, you might not. Just in case I died before meeting you again, I do hope that you forgive whatever that I have said or done to you and in return, I'll forgive everything you've done to me too.

++This might be goodbye, I don't know++

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Something I stole from tumblr, yet again...

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
→ Ew, hell no. It's my brother.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
→ What ex? I have never been in a relationship.

4. Is trust a big issue for you?
→ Yes.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
→ I haven't hang out with anyone recently. I'm being a hikikomori at the moment.

6. What are you excited for?
→ Final Fantasy Type-0

7. What happened tonight?
→ It's not night time yet, so nothing.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
→ Probably. I've never seen anyone got wasted in my life.

9. Is confidence cute?
→ I don't know. But I do know that it's annoying sometimes.

10. What is the last beverage you had?
→ Green tea.

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
→ Not much.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
→ No. I hate those shit.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
→ Probably watch some housou, then sleep.

14. What are you going to spend money on next?
→ Either food or fuel for my car.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
→ If you're talking about kiss on the lips, I have never kissed anyone.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
→ Most probably. People change, you know.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
→ No one.

18. The last time you felt broken?
→ Recently, but I can't remember why.

19. Have you had sex today?
→ No.

20. Are you starting to realize anything?
→ Yeah, that this questionnaire is quite perverted.

21. Are you in a good mood?
→ Not really.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
→ I would!

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
→ Yeah.

24. What do you want right this second?
→ To go to Japan!

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
→ Nothing. I won't say anything but I would probably die a little inside.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
→ Yes.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
→ Depends. But 70% chances are no, I won't.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
→ This horror story compilation called "2 Channel no Noroi"

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
→ Yes, I do.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
→ Depends on how he/she fucked up the first chance.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
→ No, in fact I like him~ Teehee

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
→ Meh, probably not.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
→ I do drink it once in a while.

34. Listening to?
→ Koi no Mega Lover by Maximum The Hormone.

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
→ Sometimes.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
→ NO, non-existent.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
→ Probably, I don't know.

38. Who did you last call?
→ Kyoko

39. Who was the last person you danced with?
→ Myself.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
→ I never kissed anyone in my whole life!!

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
→ Last year?

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
→ Nope. I'm not the touchy-feely type.

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

44. Do you tan in the nude?
→ I don't tan.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
→ Why is the questions all about kissing?

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
→ I talked to myself on the housou?

47. Who was the last person to call you?
→ My Dad.

48. Do you sing in the shower?
→ Yes, its my shower ritual.

49. Do you dance in the car?
→ Yup.

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
→ I recently did, and I have to say I'm okay at it.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
→ Never

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
→ Some are.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
→ I don't celebrate christmas, but I get the holiday, so no.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
→ No. What the fuck is that?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
→ I hate fruit pie.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
→ Coroner.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
→ Yes, because I've seen them with my own eyes.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
→ Yup.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
→ I used to?

60. Wear slippers?
→ They are the most comfiest thing in the world.

61. Wear a bath robe?
→ No, I don't have one.

62. What do you wear to bed?
→ Shorts and T-shirt.

63. First concert?
→ Can't remember...

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
→ Tesco

65. Nike or Adidas?
→ Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
→ Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
→ Both

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
→ None!

69. Ever take dance lessons?
→ Nope.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
→ Anything that brings in money.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
→ Yup.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
→ Yup!

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
→ Not yet.

74. What is your favorite book?
→ Harry Potter series.

75. Do you study better with or without music?
→ With. Definitely with.

76. Regularly burn incense?
→ No.

77. Ever been in love?
→ Yes, it was a one-sided love that lasted 8 years.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
→ UVERworld and SPYAIR.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
→ Adakah?

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
→ Cold. I prefer anything cold.

81. Tea or coffee?
→ Tea.

82. Favorite type of cookie?
→ Choco chip.

83. Can you swim well?
→ Nope.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
→ Yup.

85. Are you patient?
→ Kinda.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
→ Band please.

87. Ever won a contest?
→ Not recently.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
→ Why should I?

89. Which are better black or green olives?
→ Neither.

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
→ Should not do it.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
→ Living room

92. Do you want to get married?
→ Yes, obviously.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Stole from tumblr, again.

❀ about me ❀
name: Shara
age: 25
birthday:  14th February
zodiac: Aquarius
single or taken: Single and forever alone
height: 168cm
eye color: Dark Brown
middle name: not answering this.
favorite color: blue
lucky number: 2
hogwarts house [x]: Slytherin
favorite fictional character: Kenji
favorite television show: Cash cab?
favorite season: Autumn
describe yourself in a few words: I am in a love/hate relationship with myself.
future children’s names: Eh?? Izaya and Akira?
meaning of your name: The light of 2 moons.
ultimate otp: SasuNaru!!
what do you plan to/do for a living: live life?
starbucks order: I don’t go to starbucks
introvert or extrovert: I am an introvert, so I prefer someone extrovert.
dawn or dusk: Dawn
righty or lefty: Righty
coffee or tea: Tea
rain or shine: Snow
reading or writing: Reading

Friday, March 28, 2014

Oh look, feels.

The new semester has started, and I feel lonelier than before. Even when I am in a midst of people, I feel so lonely that I want to cry. Everything that can usually brighten up my day have little or no effects on me now. I keep remembering my late grandmother more and more recently. I really miss her at times like this.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I want to scream my lungs out! But I can't do that due to my twisted way of upbringing, I never really know how to convey my emotions properly. These emotions are really becoming a burden for me to carry day by day. I wonder how long can I go on like this?

I'm getting tired but my journey is still far away. I can no longer see my destination in sight and I am straying from my path. I don't know what I want to do in life any more. Sometimes I do have thoughts like "If I die right now, I don't have to do this any longer." But thoughts are thoughts. Well, let's just let my brain think of these thoughts while it still can.

So many times I dreamed of chasing after my late grandmother. But each time she keeps scolding me to go back and not to follow her. When will it be the day that she'll let me into the car with her? Back when I was smaller, my grandmother used to tell me her dreams about how she wanted to follow my late grandfather but was told that it wasn't her time. Was this how she felt back then? If it was, I'm so sorry nenek, I should have taken it more seriously. The pain hurts. Although there is no injuries, it still hurts. It hurts so bad...

People around me don't understand how I felt when you went away, nenek. I smiled, I joked but inside I was dying as well. When I say I say I miss you, some people would tell me someone else misses you more. I do not want to hear how other people miss you, I want somebody to tell me that it's okay to miss you and just console me when I let me heart out.

I think I better stop here. I can't breathe at the moment and I'm getting dizzy. I blow and blow my nose to clear it, but blood has started to come out. If I go on any longer, I don't know what going to happen. I know you won't like me to go on any longer too, so I'll stop here for your sake.

I really do miss you, nenek. From the bottom of my heart I do.

Friday, December 13, 2013

Dear You,

Dear you,
Thank you for once again coming to my dream. I thought you've stopped and to be honest, I'm glad you stopped. But your visit last night troubles me. Although you came in with a different name, but I will always remember your face.

Do me a favor, never come again. If you do want to see me, don't come in my dreams. See me face to face. I do not want to see you in my dreams because I do not want to wake up feeling frustrated.

I'm pretty sure the real you didn't even think of me even for a second. I mean, just who am I to you anyway. But the dream you... Just stay away from now on, okay.

++Sweet dreams are made of these++

Saturday, July 27, 2013

I Am Addicted

So, UVERworld has recently released a song titled "Fight For Liberty" as the opening (I think) song for Space Battleship Yamato 2199. I don't really like that anime in particular but I am loving the song since I first listened to it. 

Oh, you haven't listened to it yet? Here, let me provide you with a link to the video or better yet, I'll just post the video here~ 
Fight For Liberty by UVERworld. Uchuu Senken Yamato 2199 OP.

So yeah, listen to it. I have to say, the lyrics was totally awesome. I do not know how Takuya did it, but every song he makes, I can feel myself relate to some or maybe all of the lyrics. How can I not love this guy?

Anyway, have a listen to it okay?

++I play this song on loop every time I drive++

Thursday, May 23, 2013

My Top 30 most played songs in my laptop

As stated in the title, so here it is:

30. Core Pride by UVERworld (87 plays)
29. I Will Show You by Ailee (88 plays)
28. Dive To World by CHERRY BLOSSOM (104 plays)
27. The Beginning by ONE OK ROCK (107 plays)
26. Makka No Ito by Plastic Tree (107 plays)
25. Boku ni Invitation by JP (110 plays)
24. Grenade by Bruno Mars (112 plays)
23. Harukaze by Flumpool (117 plays)
22. I'll Be Back by 2PM (139 plays)
21. One in a Million by Yamashita Tomohisa (141 plays)
20. We'll Be Coming Back by Calvin Harris feat. Example (142 plays)
19. No Pain, No Game by Nano (157 plays)
18. Hoshi ni Negai wo by Flumpool (158 plays)
17. In My World by ROOKIEZ is PUNK'D (166 plays)
16. Ash Like Snow by The Brilliant Green (171 plays)
15. LIFE~ Me no Mae no Mukou e by Kanjani8 (180 plays)
14. Connect by ClariS (187 plays)
13. AWAYOKUBA-kiru live intro ver. by UVERworld (189 plays)
12. Doushite Kimi wo Suki ni Natte Shimattandarou by DBSK (191 plays)
11. Moshimo by Daisuke (194 plays)
10. Everything You Want by Vertical Horizon (203 plays)
9. Soledad by Westlife (210 plays)
8. No, Thank You by Hikasa Yoko (222 plays)
7.  Kaze to Oka no Ballad by Real Paradis (225 plays)
6. Secret by UVERworld (253 plays)
5. Meet You There by BUSTED (284 plays)
4. Ayumi by GReeeeN (284 plays)
3. REVERSI by UVERworld (311 plays)
2. Everybody Loves Me by One Republic (331 plays)
1. Hai! Mondaisaku by UVERworld (499 plays)

I know some of the songs are quite old. This is because nowadays I will usually play the song in my MP3 player instead of my lappie. So, the song list is not really updated. And I am also using whatever music video I have in my laptop. I'm too lazy to download the clean version, so deal with certain videos with subtitles.

++How to see the song counter in your phone?++

Wednesday, May 8, 2013


I want more pageviews!!! And I want people to read my comics, so here!!
*throws at you*

Click the link, ok~

++I do what I want!++

Friday, May 3, 2013

You Idiots!

I, am pissed. yeah, the whole election thing is coming and I am getting pissed off every second. Why? Let me explain why.

Firstly, there's the issue of free education, up to university level. No, offense but this is a very tempting manifesto. Most people from my university on my Facebook timeline actually emphasize on this one and the PTPTN loan thing. Those idiots! Hello people, no matter how tempting their offer is, we are in a PRIVATE UNIVERSITY! They can only give free education to PUBLIC UNIVERSITY! Please realize this fact already! And let's just say, the opposition do win, and we have free education for public universities, I'm guessing the fees for private university is gonna rise for sure, not that it's not already expensive. And I'll have you know that most people in MY university rely on scholarship and loans like, uh, I don't know, PTPTN?

Which brings me to my second issue that pisses me off. Now that they are going to abolish the PTPTN, how the fuck should we pay for our studies? Especially for us in private universities. Have you ever thought of that? They said "We're not abolishing the PTPTN, we're just changing it to a scholarship". Scholarship my foot! Do you people know, PTPTN is a student LOAN! A FUCKING LOAN! Just like your house loan and your car loan! Why not abolish those too and change it to house scholarships and car scholarships. Those idiots!

I know that those people who supported abolishing the PTPTN, 90% of them have loans with PTPTN and they just don't want to settle it. Too expensive and shit. Hey, nobody asked you to take those damn loans okay. No one forced you, put a gun to your head and forced you to sign the loan. Nobody. You were the one willingly took the loan so you can pay for your new phone and stuff you don't really need. And now you don't want to pay? What's next? You want to do the same for the housing loan? Car loan? Why not just abolish the whole monetary system? It's such a hassle anyway.

I am mad and pissed because these people (yeah, you opposition people!) are just thinking for short term benefits. Have you ever thought how it's gonna affect us in a long term period? Think about it. No, wait. You can't. That's why you came up with those stupid manifestos. 

And the last thing that pisses me off is that when I said I'm not voting this time, people are giving me the weird looks. They are like, "Why are you complaining so much when you are not even voting! This is your responsibility as a citizen!". Well, pfft. First of all, let me explain. I have finals during that period. I also have my responsibility as a student. The voting may be important, but my grades comes first! Call me selfish, but no matter who I vote for, they cannot pass me my subjects. And I don't want to regret not studying when I should have. Thus, if you still want to judge me for it, go fuck yourself.

++People become idiots when it involves politics++

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Day 06: A song that reminds you of them

A song that reminds me of Sasunaru? I would have to say "Utsukushii Namae" by The Back Horn. I heard this song at first for time for a MAD Video for AsaKiku. But the lyrics can suit SasuNaru too. 

English lyrics translation:
The tears don't come when I feel like crying, the night is devoid of colour as I bite on my lips.
Your entire body is attached with tubes, that's right, you are a little tired and are merely resting.

The saddest answer in the world and the pitch black shadow that knows not sorrow.
I called your name in my scratchy voice, but it resounded in vain till it shivered and disappeared into nothingness.

You know, if there was such magic to turn back time,
I would cut down this pair of useless hands.

The world continues spinning, for our sake,
so that the heartbeat within us can be heard by the world.

The fingertip that lightly traced your hand becomes sensitive to the slightest sign.
If only I had always listened this closely to the sound of your heart..

You laughed while hiding your feelings, right?
But I was clueless, and that has become my punishment.

The world continues spinning, for our sake,
so that we won't be separated, until we can't breathe.

No matter how many times I call your name.. So please, please wake up.
I have now realised, how very beautiful your name is.

The world continues spinning, for our sake,
so that the heartbeat within us can be heard by the world.

The world continues spinning, for our sake,
so that we won't be separated, until we can't breathe.

No matter how many times I call your name.. So please, please wake up.
I have now realised, how very beautiful your name is.

Day 05: Sad moments

Hmmm... There are a lot of sad moments of Naruto and a lot of sad moments involving Sasuke, but very rarely involving them both. But if I were to choose, I'd probably go with the end of the battle at The Valley of The End. Why is it sad? I can't really explain, but I definitely think it's sad.... Look at the way that Sasuke looked at Naruto before finally leaving...

Day 04: Favorite moment

Oh god, there are so many moments to choose from. To choose one as a favourite... From Part I, it has to be during their fight at the Valley of The End. I mean, who could deny the two's awesome battle. It's the best battle of all during Part I in my opinion.

And from Part II, I have 2 favourite moments. One is the reunion of Sasuke and Naruto at Orochimaru's Lair. I have to say, I did cry a bit when Naruto was running to see Sasuke, then he tripped, but still got up and run towards Sasuke. I love this reunion. 

Then, there's also the part where Naruto came and meet Sasuke after the Kage summit battle and after Sasuke defeated Danzo. I love this part because this was when Naruto declared that He will die together with Sasuke. You do not know the amount of "Kya" I did.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Day 03: Kisses

Again, first from the official manga/anime:

from chapter 3

from the anime

Day 02: Hugs

From the official manga/anime

And from fan arts~

Day 01: The ship

I am currently shipping SasuNaru. So I am going to spam pictures of them here~

I'm bored

I'm bored, so I'm doing this. And as usual, I am not going by days.

10 Days Shipping Challenge.

Day 01: The ship
Day 02: Hugs
Day 03: Kisses
Day 04: Favorite moment
Day 05: Sad moments
Day 06: A song that reminds you of them
Day 07: Least favorite moment
Day 08: When you started shipping them
Day 09: Friendship moments
Day 10: Whatever you want

++deal with it++

Friday, April 12, 2013

My Top 5 Seiyuu

For those people who don't know, Seiyuu (声優) means Voice Actor, but usually aimed for the Japanese VA.  I did the quiz ranking I found today, and it listed my top 5 seiyuu and I decided to share them with you. Since some of you might not recognize them, I'll list down their notable characters as well.

1.  Sugiyama Noriaki

who voices...

Uchiha Sasuke from Naruto and Naruto Shippuden

Ishida Uryuu from Bleach

England a.k.a Arthur Kirkland from Hetalia

2. Fukuyama Jun

who voices...

Lelouch Lamperouge/Zero from Code Geass

Okumura Yukio from Ao no Exorcist

Panda from Shirokuma Cafe

3. Suzumura Kenichi

who voices...

Hitachiin Hikaru from Ouran High School Host Club

Okita Sougo from Gintama

Fujiwara Toki from Code Breaker

4. Hiroshi Kamiya

who voices....

Orihara Izaya from Durarara!

Kuze Hibiki from Devil Survivor 2: The Animation

Penguin from Shirokuma Cafe

5. Nakamura Yuichi

who voices...

Gray Fullbuster from Fairy Tail

Oreki Houtarou from Hyouka

Archer from Fate/Prototype

And the rest of the list are as follow....

6.  Sakurai Takahiro - Kururugi Suzaku (Code Geass), Makashima Shogo (Psycho Pass)

7. Sugita Tomokazu - Sakata Gintoki (Gintama), Switch (Sket Dance)

8. Okamoto Nobuhiko - Okumura Rin (Ao no Exocist), Ogami Rei (Code Breaker)

9. Konishi Katsuyuki - Hisagi Shuuhei (Bleach), America (Hetalia)

10. Daisuke Ono - Sebastian (Kuroshitsuji), Heiwajima Shizuo (Durarara!)

++I'm bored, thus this++