What I mean to people

Due to my Bipolar condition, I've acted on impulse and did an experiment. An experiment I wish I didn't do. I was threw into the pit of depression. I was depressed when I got the results and I spent hours and hours just crying for no reason. No, wait, I have a reason but actually it doesn't really matter anymore.

The experiment: 

I was "gone" for 24 hours. I wanted to see who noticed that I wasn't there and try to contact me.

The result:

Nobody asked where I was. Nobody tried to contact me at all. Not family, not friends.

For the 24 hours that I was "gone", nobody, and I mean nobody even tried to find out where I was. No phone calls, no text, and not even one Facebook message. It was then when I started thinking that if I were to die within that 24 hours, I would die alone. Nobody even cares.

At that time, I was seriously being at the lowest point in my life. I am alone. Billions of people in this world, and I am still alone. I also realized what I meant to all these people around me. I am nothing. My existence made no difference to them and it hurts. To them, probably I am just another face in this world.

At some point, I was wishing somebody would just contact me, my mom at least. But nobody ever did. And I have to tell you, when you get to that realization, it hurts. It hurts more that 1000 tonnes of bricks falling on you. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and all I did was cry. Even when I try to calm myself down, these tears won't stop. The temperature is 36 degrees Celsius outside but I'm shivering to my bone. That is how much it hurts.

To anybody who will read this, I don't know who you are. You might be a friend, you might be a family. But all I ask is for you to listen, just listen. I am not asking for attention, no I really do not want all that attention. But please check up on me once in a while. I seriously do not want to die alone. I'm terrified. I know that this is all the depression talking but it still scares me. 

Honestly, I was thinking of taking the blade on my side table and just slash my arteries open. I was thinking that it's going to be revenge so people won't ignore other people anymore. But then, I realized that since I meant nothing to people, my death would also mean nothing, and I would have just died in vain.

So after this, I am probably going into recluse, I won't interact with people until I get help. Until then, please just let me be. Don't try to help me because I do not need your help. I know what I am saying is totally contradicting, but please. Just give me time. This whole article is just contradicting. I don't know, I seriously don't know. My mind is still a mess and I'm just writing this to whatever is going on in my messed up head. I am seriously considering of admitting myself to a nearest psychiatric ward until I can get myself figured out.

To those who have no idea what is wrong with me, I have a diagnosed but untreated Bipolar Disorder. Those who says that this isn't a real disease, I hope you can spend a day as me and see how this illness is slowly sapping away your mental health and how without a stable mental health, how it will physically affects you. I do not wish for you to have it, but just spend a day in my shoes. And before this article makes no sense due to my ADHD, I'm just gonna end it here. You might see me later, you might not. Just in case I died before meeting you again, I do hope that you forgive whatever that I have said or done to you and in return, I'll forgive everything you've done to me too.

++This might be goodbye, I don't know++