Oh look, feels.

The new semester has started, and I feel lonelier than before. Even when I am in a midst of people, I feel so lonely that I want to cry. Everything that can usually brighten up my day have little or no effects on me now. I keep remembering my late grandmother more and more recently. I really miss her at times like this.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I want to scream my lungs out! But I can't do that due to my twisted way of upbringing, I never really know how to convey my emotions properly. These emotions are really becoming a burden for me to carry day by day. I wonder how long can I go on like this?

I'm getting tired but my journey is still far away. I can no longer see my destination in sight and I am straying from my path. I don't know what I want to do in life any more. Sometimes I do have thoughts like "If I die right now, I don't have to do this any longer." But thoughts are thoughts. Well, let's just let my brain think of these thoughts while it still can.

So many times I dreamed of chasing after my late grandmother. But each time she keeps scolding me to go back and not to follow her. When will it be the day that she'll let me into the car with her? Back when I was smaller, my grandmother used to tell me her dreams about how she wanted to follow my late grandfather but was told that it wasn't her time. Was this how she felt back then? If it was, I'm so sorry nenek, I should have taken it more seriously. The pain hurts. Although there is no injuries, it still hurts. It hurts so bad...

People around me don't understand how I felt when you went away, nenek. I smiled, I joked but inside I was dying as well. When I say I say I miss you, some people would tell me someone else misses you more. I do not want to hear how other people miss you, I want somebody to tell me that it's okay to miss you and just console me when I let me heart out.

I think I better stop here. I can't breathe at the moment and I'm getting dizzy. I blow and blow my nose to clear it, but blood has started to come out. If I go on any longer, I don't know what going to happen. I know you won't like me to go on any longer too, so I'll stop here for your sake.

I really do miss you, nenek. From the bottom of my heart I do.