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Tuesday, June 17, 2014

What I mean to people

Due to my Bipolar condition, I've acted on impulse and did an experiment. An experiment I wish I didn't do. I was threw into the pit of depression. I was depressed when I got the results and I spent hours and hours just crying for no reason. No, wait, I have a reason but actually it doesn't really matter anymore.

The experiment: 
I was "gone" for 24 hours. I wanted to see who noticed that I wasn't there and try to contact me.

The result:
Nobody asked where I was. Nobody tried to contact me at all. Not family, not friends.

For the 24 hours that I was "gone", nobody, and I mean nobody even tried to find out where I was. No phone calls, no text, and not even one Facebook message. It was then when I started thinking that if I were to die within that 24 hours, I would die alone. Nobody even cares.

At that time, I was seriously being at the lowest point in my life. I am alone. Billions of people in this world, and I am still alone. I also realized what I meant to all these people around me. I am nothing. My existence made no difference to them and it hurts. To them, probably I am just another face in this world.

At some point, I was wishing somebody would just contact me, my mom at least. But nobody ever did. And I have to tell you, when you get to that realization, it hurts. It hurts more that 1000 tonnes of bricks falling on you. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move, and all I did was cry. Even when I try to calm myself down, these tears won't stop. The temperature is 36 degrees Celsius outside but I'm shivering to my bone. That is how much it hurts.

To anybody who will read this, I don't know who you are. You might be a friend, you might be a family. But all I ask is for you to listen, just listen. I am not asking for attention, no I really do not want all that attention. But please check up on me once in a while. I seriously do not want to die alone. I'm terrified. I know that this is all the depression talking but it still scares me. 

Honestly, I was thinking of taking the blade on my side table and just slash my arteries open. I was thinking that it's going to be revenge so people won't ignore other people anymore. But then, I realized that since I meant nothing to people, my death would also mean nothing, and I would have just died in vain.

So after this, I am probably going into recluse, I won't interact with people until I get help. Until then, please just let me be. Don't try to help me because I do not need your help. I know what I am saying is totally contradicting, but please. Just give me time. This whole article is just contradicting. I don't know, I seriously don't know. My mind is still a mess and I'm just writing this to whatever is going on in my messed up head. I am seriously considering of admitting myself to a nearest psychiatric ward until I can get myself figured out.

To those who have no idea what is wrong with me, I have a diagnosed but untreated Bipolar Disorder. Those who says that this isn't a real disease, I hope you can spend a day as me and see how this illness is slowly sapping away your mental health and how without a stable mental health, how it will physically affects you. I do not wish for you to have it, but just spend a day in my shoes. And before this article makes no sense due to my ADHD, I'm just gonna end it here. You might see me later, you might not. Just in case I died before meeting you again, I do hope that you forgive whatever that I have said or done to you and in return, I'll forgive everything you've done to me too.

++This might be goodbye, I don't know++

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Something I stole from tumblr, yet again...

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?
→ Ew, hell no. It's my brother.

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?
→ What ex? I have never been in a relationship.

4. Is trust a big issue for you?
→ Yes.

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?
→ I haven't hang out with anyone recently. I'm being a hikikomori at the moment.

6. What are you excited for?
→ Final Fantasy Type-0

7. What happened tonight?
→ It's not night time yet, so nothing.

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?
→ Probably. I've never seen anyone got wasted in my life.

9. Is confidence cute?
→ I don't know. But I do know that it's annoying sometimes.

10. What is the last beverage you had?
→ Green tea.

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?
→ Not much.

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?
→ No. I hate those shit.

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?
→ Probably watch some housou, then sleep.

14. What are you going to spend money on next?
→ Either food or fuel for my car.

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?
→ If you're talking about kiss on the lips, I have never kissed anyone.

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?
→ Most probably. People change, you know.

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?
→ No one.

18. The last time you felt broken?
→ Recently, but I can't remember why.

19. Have you had sex today?
→ No.

20. Are you starting to realize anything?
→ Yeah, that this questionnaire is quite perverted.

21. Are you in a good mood?
→ Not really.

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?
→ I would!

23. Are your eyes the same color as your dad’s?
→ Yeah.

24. What do you want right this second?
→ To go to Japan!

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?
→ Nothing. I won't say anything but I would probably die a little inside.

26. Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
→ Yes.

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?
→ Depends. But 70% chances are no, I won't.

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?
→ This horror story compilation called "2 Channel no Noroi"

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?
→ Yes, I do.

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?
→ Depends on how he/she fucked up the first chance.

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?
→ No, in fact I like him~ Teehee

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?
→ Meh, probably not.

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?
→ I do drink it once in a while.

34. Listening to?
→ Koi no Mega Lover by Maximum The Hormone.

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?
→ Sometimes.

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?
→ NO, non-existent.

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?
→ Probably, I don't know.

38. Who did you last call?
→ Kyoko

39. Who was the last person you danced with?
→ Myself.

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?
→ I never kissed anyone in my whole life!!

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?
→ Last year?

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?
→ Nope. I'm not the touchy-feely type.

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?
→ YES, OH HELL YES!

44. Do you tan in the nude?
→ I don't tan.

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?
→ Why is the questions all about kissing?

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?
→ I talked to myself on the housou?

47. Who was the last person to call you?
→ My Dad.

48. Do you sing in the shower?
→ Yes, its my shower ritual.

49. Do you dance in the car?
→ Yup.

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?
→ I recently did, and I have to say I'm okay at it.

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
→ Never

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?
→ Some are.

53. Is Christmas stressful?
→ I don't celebrate christmas, but I get the holiday, so no.

54. Ever eat a pierogi?
→ No. What the fuck is that?

55. Favorite type of fruit pie?
→ I hate fruit pie.

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
→ Coroner.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?
→ Yes, because I've seen them with my own eyes.

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
→ Yup.

59. Take a vitamin daily?
→ I used to?

60. Wear slippers?
→ They are the most comfiest thing in the world.

61. Wear a bath robe?
→ No, I don't have one.

62. What do you wear to bed?
→ Shorts and T-shirt.

63. First concert?
→ Can't remember...

64. Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
→ Tesco

65. Nike or Adidas?
→ Nike

66. Cheetos Or Fritos?
→ Cheetos

67. Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
→ Both

68. Favorite Taylor Swift song?
→ None!

69. Ever take dance lessons?
→ Nope.

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
→ Anything that brings in money.

71. Can you curl your tongue?
→ Yup.

72. Ever won a spelling bee?
→ Yup!

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
→ Not yet.

74. What is your favorite book?
→ Harry Potter series.

75. Do you study better with or without music?
→ With. Definitely with.

76. Regularly burn incense?
→ No.

77. Ever been in love?
→ Yes, it was a one-sided love that lasted 8 years.

78. Who would you like to see in concert?
→ UVERworld and SPYAIR.

79. What was the last concert you saw?
→ Adakah?

80. Hot tea or cold tea?
→ Cold. I prefer anything cold.

81. Tea or coffee?
→ Tea.

82. Favorite type of cookie?
→ Choco chip.

83. Can you swim well?
→ Nope.

84. Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
→ Yup.

85. Are you patient?
→ Kinda.

86. DJ or band, at a wedding?
→ Band please.

87. Ever won a contest?
→ Not recently.

88. Ever have plastic surgery?
→ Why should I?

89. Which are better black or green olives?
→ Neither.

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?
→ Should not do it.

91. Best room for a fireplace?
→ Living room

92. Do you want to get married?
→ Yes, obviously.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Stole from tumblr, again.

❀ about me ❀
BASICS:
name: Shara
age: 25
birthday:  14th February
zodiac: Aquarius
single or taken: Single and forever alone
height: 168cm
eye color: Dark Brown
middle name: not answering this.
favorite color: blue
lucky number: 2
SPECIFICS/DETAILS:
hogwarts house [x]: Slytherin
favorite fictional character: Kenji
favorite television show: Cash cab?
favorite season: Autumn
describe yourself in a few words: I am in a love/hate relationship with myself.
future children’s names: Eh?? Izaya and Akira?
meaning of your name: The light of 2 moons.
ultimate otp: SasuNaru!!
what do you plan to/do for a living: live life?
starbucks order: I don’t go to starbucks
THIS OR THAT:
introvert or extrovert: I am an introvert, so I prefer someone extrovert.
dawn or dusk: Dawn
righty or lefty: Righty
coffee or tea: Tea
rain or shine: Snow
reading or writing: Reading

Friday, March 28, 2014

Oh look, feels.

The new semester has started, and I feel lonelier than before. Even when I am in a midst of people, I feel so lonely that I want to cry. Everything that can usually brighten up my day have little or no effects on me now. I keep remembering my late grandmother more and more recently. I really miss her at times like this.

I am sad. I am frustrated. I want to scream my lungs out! But I can't do that due to my twisted way of upbringing, I never really know how to convey my emotions properly. These emotions are really becoming a burden for me to carry day by day. I wonder how long can I go on like this?

I'm getting tired but my journey is still far away. I can no longer see my destination in sight and I am straying from my path. I don't know what I want to do in life any more. Sometimes I do have thoughts like "If I die right now, I don't have to do this any longer." But thoughts are thoughts. Well, let's just let my brain think of these thoughts while it still can.

So many times I dreamed of chasing after my late grandmother. But each time she keeps scolding me to go back and not to follow her. When will it be the day that she'll let me into the car with her? Back when I was smaller, my grandmother used to tell me her dreams about how she wanted to follow my late grandfather but was told that it wasn't her time. Was this how she felt back then? If it was, I'm so sorry nenek, I should have taken it more seriously. The pain hurts. Although there is no injuries, it still hurts. It hurts so bad...

People around me don't understand how I felt when you went away, nenek. I smiled, I joked but inside I was dying as well. When I say I say I miss you, some people would tell me someone else misses you more. I do not want to hear how other people miss you, I want somebody to tell me that it's okay to miss you and just console me when I let me heart out.

I think I better stop here. I can't breathe at the moment and I'm getting dizzy. I blow and blow my nose to clear it, but blood has started to come out. If I go on any longer, I don't know what going to happen. I know you won't like me to go on any longer too, so I'll stop here for your sake.

I really do miss you, nenek. From the bottom of my heart I do.