I have been thinking...

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately.. What do I want to achieve in my life actually? Love? Fame? Family?

To tell you the truth, I have no fucking idea. I look back at the days, when I was small, naive but really content with my life. I have a family that loves me to death and I have friends that will be my shoulder to cry on. I don't give a fuck about pimples or acne (like I have any back then) nor do I give a damn about relationships.

Now, as I grow older, I feel that not all people are truthful to you. They act real nice then they backstab you. They tend to say cruel things to you and all of the sudden relationship is the most important thing in the world. If you don't have a partner, you're doomed to be lonely forever.

When I was young, my dream was to become a kindergarten teacher. Teaching young and eager kids their first steps to knowledge. Now, I don't want to do that anymore. All I wanted is to be happy. Somehow, my dream is to live somewhere far away, away from all. I want to move to a place where no one knows who I am. A fresh start.

Drawing has always been my no.1 passion. My first love. I once stated that I could die without pencils and papers within my reach. Recently, that passion seems to fade. All critics are taken to heart. My confidence in drawings dropped. Hard. Sure, I still love Kenji with all my heart, but drawing him seems to be a burden to me. To tell you the truth, I have like a hundred of story plots but whenever I hold a pencil, all I do is write his name. Harusawa Kenji.

Love life, actually I never gave a damn about it. I used to have a few crushes here and there but all of it seems like crap now. Guys I've had crushes on, Shahfiz, Adam, Shahid, E-pul, Hafiz, all seems useless. Not that I'm saying that they're useless, just the crushes seems useless. Come to think of it, what the hell did I see in them anyway. They are nowhere as perfect as Kenji, nor can they compare with Kame, Heechul, or Takuya. But the thing I remembered till now is when I was in Eden, I fought with this Chinese girl on who gets to marry Shahfiz and Shahfiz chose me. Everytime I think of it, it kinda makes me smile a little. Heh, but that was that.

If I were to turn back time, I would return back to the time I was in primary school. I miss playing a fool during class. I miss all the fun I had with Joshua and Andy. I miss choir and coral speaking practices. I miss telling stories with Zhamir. I miss jocking with Amy. I miss the Tea Kwon Do training. I miss buying ice-creams outside the school gate after school. I miss going to Iqa's house before school starts. I miss the races to the vending machine. I miss the bus ride home. I miss Cikgu Khairul's scoldings because I didn't pay attention during music class. I miss participating in sports day and 'Hari Anugerah Kecemerlangan'(The day they give out awards to excellent students). I miss going to "Ngaji" and tuitions. I miss riding my bike. I miss quarelling with my older brother over tiny little stuff. I miss everything back then.

++saykoji89++

++I feel old++