Update on my life

...because it's just so damn interesting.But it's not. It is seriously not that interesting. 

First of all, I would like to thank my scumbag brain for triggering my depression. Every time I seem to have gotten over my grandmother's passing, my brain will decide to be a scumbag and say "Eh, it's been a long time since you last called Nenek, let's call her. Eh, but wait, she already passed away last month right?", in which will make me shed a tear. If my brain is a person, I would kill it already. Fuck you brain. You are an asshole of the highest order. Usually, I wouldn't mind, but not in front of my friends, please. I will have a hard time trying to explain why am I crying out of nowhere.

Secondly, I would again thank my asshole brain for not letting me forget about Hafiz. Why can't you be like heart, and get over him. Dude, he has a girlfriend for God's sake. Let it go! It has been 6 years. He has his own life, and you have your own. He is most probably no longer the guy you know already. He changed. I've changed. I am also no longer the same person I was back then. So, if you mind, please stop being so hung up on him. Stop dreaming of him, please just forget all about him. I know your policy of forgetting things that are not important. He is not that important! FORGET HIM!

Next, I've been thinking it must be awesome for someone to have Ryan as a boyfriend. He is good looking, mature and yet playful at the same time and when he does something, he puts his mind to it, and not to mention, he knows how to dance. Not dance as in the Gangnam Style, but as in Waltz, Tango and Ballroom dancing. It's hard to find guys like that. But, here's the thing, I say all that, but somehow I don't feel attracted to him... In fact, I don't feel attracted to anyone. Not sure if low self esteem or commitment issues. Sometimes I just want to be in a relationship, especially since my older brother is getting married soon, but sometimes, I just don't feel like attaching myself to anyone. I don't feel like I am worthy of anyone. The fact that I can say to Hadi that I envy his girlfriend shows it all. If I was who I was back then, I wouldn't tell Hadi that. I'd be too shy to tell him all this, afraid that he might think it the wrong way. 

Other stuff, I have no idea why the lecturers are suddenly so excited to bring out the "ART" in the students. We have been doing a lot of multimedia stuff and suddenly the want to do traditional art media... Very funny. The thing is, I'm not sure by doing traditional instead of multimedia will cost less or not. We just have to see for this semester how it goes.

As for me, I decided that I want to change myself for the better. First of all, I want to do scaling on my teeth, as it seems to get worse instead of better. I need to go ask my mom permission to do this first. Second of all, I want to lose weight. I am sick of looking into the mirror and see this overweight girl. I want to wear all those fashionable clothing without looking like a fat ass who doesn't know what her size is. Then, I want need to go see a dermatologist to solve my skin problems, especially on my scalp. It is also getting worse. I think I can go to the government hospital for this, thus I can do it without the help of my mom. Then I want to grow out my hair and decide to look like a real girl instead. I know it will be tedious. I know it will be a lot of hassle. I just don't care. I am tired of being me! Plus, I think it's time for me to become a butterfly like my grandmother wanted me to be.

And someone has bluntly pointed out to me that I've changed. My attitude changed. According to her, I've become more heartless and not caring. Well, yes. That is what I want to achieve actually. I want to stop caring about other people's bullshit and for that, I need to be heartless. I don't really care if you fight with your boyfriend over mundane things, I don't care if your job is too tiring and your boss treats you like "Kuli Free". I especially don't care where you've been, which famous person you met or who have a crush on you. No, I don't care. Actually, I don't care about it since a long time ago, but I didn't have the heart to tell you. Now, since I am bored with things, I decided to be heartless and tell you I don't care, in which you've told me I've changed. What am I to you? Your sounding board is it? Well, you better get a new one because this sounding board is changing it's occupation.

Actually, I wanted to do all these since some time ago, but I never got the motivation to. I guess my grandmother's passing is somewhat like a trigger for me. I am actually kind of regretting that I never did this earlier for my grandmother to see. Somehow, inside I always thought that she will always be there for me, but apparently not. So obviously not. She was always the one who says that she wants to see me act more girlish, more lady like. Walk tall she said. But she is no longer here to see how I will change myself... And that will always be my regret...

++saykoji89++

++Things need to change NOW++