I don't really know anymore

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (well, yes. I do think sometimes) and I find myself wondering, "Is this what I really want?"

You see, as I was growing up, I had this really weird habit of wanting something so damn hard that when I finally get it, I don't even want them anymore. Like all the excite and anxiety has been used up by just wanting them. I hate it when this happens. Oh, example you ask? Let me give you a few...

When I was younger, I really, REALLY wanted to go to boarding school, but when I did get enrolled, all I want to do is go back to my old school.

I used to really, REALLY want a pet, but now that the room is almost like a mini zoo, I felt like these pets are a hassle.

I also used to really, REALLY want a smartphone, but now that I have it, I felt like it is the most incompetent tool I have ever have AND if my brother ever read this, he'll call me an ingrate, confiscate back the phone so fast that it'll make my head spin.

Anyway, my point is I am being such an ungrateful bitch towards the life God has gave me, and I lose my interest in stuff too damn quickly.

Now is the part where I get all mushy, and bitchy and delusional. So, if you are not comfortable with all these, please stop reading. I will not be accounted for the pains of your side bursting for laughing at me, or nausea, or any other ailments you might have from reading my rants below.

You see, I currently like this guy. He's hardworking, attractive, and all that I could ever look for in a guy. Oh, and he's older of me by 10 years. But he's only 10 years older. Not 20. That's old enough to be my dad. (By the way, my dad is actually older than me by more than 20 years, but you get the point.)

this is the guy I was talking about

Anyway, most of the people know him as Takuya, vocalist of UVERworld. If you don't know who UVERworld are, I strongly suggest either you kill yourself, or look it up in wikipedia. Hey, it's your choice.

Anyway, I like the guy. I actually like Takuya more than a like should be, but not to the point of loving him. I can't "love" him yet, I don't know him personally. Right now, I am having a complex feeling. I like the guy. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to meet him. Let's just say, I like this guy so much, that everyday I pray that someday I hoped to end up with him. (pathetic, I know)

But, recently, I had this weird feeling that UVERworld is going to perform live in Malaysia. (Not saying that it's true, but it's just a feeling). I would kill for the tickets, and I would kill and resuscitate the same damn person for a backstage pass. 

But ever since I had this weird dream, I start to feel a little insecure with myself. What if he just sees me as a typical fan? What if he sees me as a crazy stalker? And the biggest what if question I could think of is, "What if he accepts me as his girlfriend (by some miracle), I ended up getting bored of him?" I seem to do that a lot, and I would really hate it if it were to happen....

I don't know...

I really don't know....

++saykoji89++

++please ignore my early morning rants, they're weird++