The need to write...

...but not sure what...

I'm alone in the room right now. My only roommate went back early since she had a court session soon. Secretly, I like to say she has court session because of the reactions I will get. It'll be like "What have she done?", or "Eh? What happen?" or "Is she the witness to something?". But apparently either my friends are too used to me or boring. So far, the only reaction I got was "Meh." I need classier friends.

Currently, am trying to carve Ravel's Bolero into my brain so I can paint tomorrow. The lecturer said about getting a song that represents you, and at that moment, my mind instantly went to Bolero. I wanted to say UVERworld at first, but the lecturer did say a song that describes you, UVERworld just describes my feelings. It's different in a way.

Yeah, and Hadi said he's be willing to give one of his guinea pigs if it's a male... I haven't had a guinea pig before, so it's kind of awesome in a way, but where to put it? The hostel room is kinda too crowded for a guinea pig... Okay, actually it's not, but since all the mattresses are on the floor instead of their respective beds, we barely even have space to walk, let alone keep large pets... If only we can let the guinea pig be free like a cat, it'd be easier... If we really want to keep it, than some changes need to be done.

Oh, and recently I've been added to a group on Facebook. Apparently, they traced out most of the relatives on my mom's side back to my great great grandfather. To be truly honest, it's really awkward for me to be in that group. It's full of people I don't know! And I am very bad at first impressions! That would totally explains my lack of friends. And to be more honest, they look like the type to judge whatever you do. I'm just assuming, but the do look like that. I know that I am like the black sheep of the family, and I certainly do not need anymore judging from people I don't know.

And yes, I still haven't gotten used of not having my grandmother. I'm confused actually. I'm confused whether am I in denial of her death? I don't think I am in denial. I can accept the fact that she has passed away but somehow my heart don't want to accept the fact that she's gone forever. It's like my mind doesn't want to let it go either. I'm not saying that it's bad or anything, but this is going to be bad for my mental health. Sometimes late at night, I just closed my eyes and thought, "Ah, I want to hear her voice". In fact I'm pretty sure I can still hear her calling me "A'in". I miss having to talk to her about my crushes, my friends, my comics. I miss listening to her tales. I miss her. I miss nenek... This is the first time I felt losing someone really important. Before this, whenever someone told me their relatives passed away, I would be just like "Oh, my condolences." and it wouldn't cross my mind anymore. Even when my maternal grandmother passed away, I cried for about 10 minutes, and I never give second thought about it. But now, now I can't do the same. No matter how much I want to put it behind me I can't. I just can't. Instead, I just cried and cried  and cried. I know if my grandmother was here, she would have scolded me.

Ah, I better stop here before this post gets weirder and more depressing.

++saykoji89++