Of my grandmother

I just came back from my Aunt's place in Rawang for an awesome BBQ~ Thanks Auntie Emma. It was really delicious. Don't sweat of why mama's black pepper sauce is different from yours. Everyone has their own unique recipe.

Anyway, while I was there, my aunt said that recently she dreamed of my grandmother. According to her, my grandmother suddenly woke up. She asked my aunt to buy for my brother's fiance a gold bracelet for their engagement. When she said that, I remembered that I too had recently dreamed about my grandmother. I can't really remember the details, but I dreamed that I spent the whole day with her, like I used to do when I was still young. No phones, no laptops, no internet. Just me, her and lots of fun.

Before my grandmother passed away, I had a dream of her back then too. It was about two weeks before she passed. I dreamed that we were all in her hospital private room. She was awake and able too speak to us. You see, before my grandmother passed, most of the time she just slept, and even if she's awake, she could speak coherently. Anyway, in that dream, she was saying her goodbyes to everyone of her children. She said goodbye to me last before I was awake from that dream. She told me, I was the greatest gift that God has given her. I still cried every time I remembered that dream. God, I miss her. I really do. Everything around me reminds me of her. It's hard to let go, if everything reminds me of you, nenek. 

++saykoji89++

++Al-Fatihah to my grandmother, Safiah Abdullah++

I don't really know anymore

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (well, yes. I do think sometimes) and I find myself wondering, "Is this what I really want?"

You see, as I was growing up, I had this really weird habit of wanting something so damn hard that when I finally get it, I don't even want them anymore. Like all the excite and anxiety has been used up by just wanting them. I hate it when this happens. Oh, example you ask? Let me give you a few...

When I was younger, I really, REALLY wanted to go to boarding school, but when I did get enrolled, all I want to do is go back to my old school.

I used to really, REALLY want a pet, but now that the room is almost like a mini zoo, I felt like these pets are a hassle.

I also used to really, REALLY want a smartphone, but now that I have it, I felt like it is the most incompetent tool I have ever have AND if my brother ever read this, he'll call me an ingrate, confiscate back the phone so fast that it'll make my head spin.

Anyway, my point is I am being such an ungrateful bitch towards the life God has gave me, and I lose my interest in stuff too damn quickly.

Now is the part where I get all mushy, and bitchy and delusional. So, if you are not comfortable with all these, please stop reading. I will not be accounted for the pains of your side bursting for laughing at me, or nausea, or any other ailments you might have from reading my rants below.

You see, I currently like this guy. He's hardworking, attractive, and all that I could ever look for in a guy. Oh, and he's older of me by 10 years. But he's only 10 years older. Not 20. That's old enough to be my dad. (By the way, my dad is actually older than me by more than 20 years, but you get the point.)

this is the guy I was talking about

Anyway, most of the people know him as Takuya, vocalist of UVERworld. If you don't know who UVERworld are, I strongly suggest either you kill yourself, or look it up in wikipedia. Hey, it's your choice.

Anyway, I like the guy. I actually like Takuya more than a like should be, but not to the point of loving him. I can't "love" him yet, I don't know him personally. Right now, I am having a complex feeling. I like the guy. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to meet him. Let's just say, I like this guy so much, that everyday I pray that someday I hoped to end up with him. (pathetic, I know)

But, recently, I had this weird feeling that UVERworld is going to perform live in Malaysia. (Not saying that it's true, but it's just a feeling). I would kill for the tickets, and I would kill and resuscitate the same damn person for a backstage pass. 

But ever since I had this weird dream, I start to feel a little insecure with myself. What if he just sees me as a typical fan? What if he sees me as a crazy stalker? And the biggest what if question I could think of is, "What if he accepts me as his girlfriend (by some miracle), I ended up getting bored of him?" I seem to do that a lot, and I would really hate it if it were to happen....

I don't know...

I really don't know....

++saykoji89++

++please ignore my early morning rants, they're weird++

A story I'm creating at the moment

I found drawings I did a few years back, probably in 2008 or 2009 and I named it Syuokunian or something. Well, recently I decided to make a new story based on that but I decided to give it a new twist. I'm tried of the Japanese name, the Japanese settings, so I decided to go fictional~ I'm creating fictional countries and fictional powers all from my fictional brain. Yeah, you read that right, my brain doesn't exist. It's a fictional being, somewhere along the unicorns and pegasus.

Anyway, hopefully this won't be another abandoned project. I hope I can get Laling to join in this project with me... Come laling, we become like Bakuman punya manga-ka. I come out with the storyline, and you draw... My drawing is not constant at the moment~ hahaha~

++saykoji89++

++Will this become an official artwork? I don't know++

Falling to pieces

I was listening to this song earlier that the first thing that came to my mind was him. Somehow the lyrics reminds me of him. I know nothing has ever happened between us, but he is a crush that I somehow can never forget..

I have no idea why I cannot let go of my petty crush on him. But back then I really, really liked him. I have no idea why. He's not that good looking. He did anything to impress me. But why do I like him anyways?

Well, for now let's try to continue to get over him...

++saykoji89++

The need to write...

...but not sure what...

I'm alone in the room right now. My only roommate went back early since she had a court session soon. Secretly, I like to say she has court session because of the reactions I will get. It'll be like "What have she done?", or "Eh? What happen?" or "Is she the witness to something?". But apparently either my friends are too used to me or boring. So far, the only reaction I got was "Meh." I need classier friends.

Currently, am trying to carve Ravel's Bolero into my brain so I can paint tomorrow. The lecturer said about getting a song that represents you, and at that moment, my mind instantly went to Bolero. I wanted to say UVERworld at first, but the lecturer did say a song that describes you, UVERworld just describes my feelings. It's different in a way.

Yeah, and Hadi said he's be willing to give one of his guinea pigs if it's a male... I haven't had a guinea pig before, so it's kind of awesome in a way, but where to put it? The hostel room is kinda too crowded for a guinea pig... Okay, actually it's not, but since all the mattresses are on the floor instead of their respective beds, we barely even have space to walk, let alone keep large pets... If only we can let the guinea pig be free like a cat, it'd be easier... If we really want to keep it, than some changes need to be done.

Oh, and recently I've been added to a group on Facebook. Apparently, they traced out most of the relatives on my mom's side back to my great great grandfather. To be truly honest, it's really awkward for me to be in that group. It's full of people I don't know! And I am very bad at first impressions! That would totally explains my lack of friends. And to be more honest, they look like the type to judge whatever you do. I'm just assuming, but the do look like that. I know that I am like the black sheep of the family, and I certainly do not need anymore judging from people I don't know.

And yes, I still haven't gotten used of not having my grandmother. I'm confused actually. I'm confused whether am I in denial of her death? I don't think I am in denial. I can accept the fact that she has passed away but somehow my heart don't want to accept the fact that she's gone forever. It's like my mind doesn't want to let it go either. I'm not saying that it's bad or anything, but this is going to be bad for my mental health. Sometimes late at night, I just closed my eyes and thought, "Ah, I want to hear her voice". In fact I'm pretty sure I can still hear her calling me "A'in". I miss having to talk to her about my crushes, my friends, my comics. I miss listening to her tales. I miss her. I miss nenek... This is the first time I felt losing someone really important. Before this, whenever someone told me their relatives passed away, I would be just like "Oh, my condolences." and it wouldn't cross my mind anymore. Even when my maternal grandmother passed away, I cried for about 10 minutes, and I never give second thought about it. But now, now I can't do the same. No matter how much I want to put it behind me I can't. I just can't. Instead, I just cried and cried  and cried. I know if my grandmother was here, she would have scolded me.

Ah, I better stop here before this post gets weirder and more depressing.

++saykoji89++

Update on my life

...because it's just so damn interesting.But it's not. It is seriously not that interesting. 

First of all, I would like to thank my scumbag brain for triggering my depression. Every time I seem to have gotten over my grandmother's passing, my brain will decide to be a scumbag and say "Eh, it's been a long time since you last called Nenek, let's call her. Eh, but wait, she already passed away last month right?", in which will make me shed a tear. If my brain is a person, I would kill it already. Fuck you brain. You are an asshole of the highest order. Usually, I wouldn't mind, but not in front of my friends, please. I will have a hard time trying to explain why am I crying out of nowhere.

Secondly, I would again thank my asshole brain for not letting me forget about Hafiz. Why can't you be like heart, and get over him. Dude, he has a girlfriend for God's sake. Let it go! It has been 6 years. He has his own life, and you have your own. He is most probably no longer the guy you know already. He changed. I've changed. I am also no longer the same person I was back then. So, if you mind, please stop being so hung up on him. Stop dreaming of him, please just forget all about him. I know your policy of forgetting things that are not important. He is not that important! FORGET HIM!

Next, I've been thinking it must be awesome for someone to have Ryan as a boyfriend. He is good looking, mature and yet playful at the same time and when he does something, he puts his mind to it, and not to mention, he knows how to dance. Not dance as in the Gangnam Style, but as in Waltz, Tango and Ballroom dancing. It's hard to find guys like that. But, here's the thing, I say all that, but somehow I don't feel attracted to him... In fact, I don't feel attracted to anyone. Not sure if low self esteem or commitment issues. Sometimes I just want to be in a relationship, especially since my older brother is getting married soon, but sometimes, I just don't feel like attaching myself to anyone. I don't feel like I am worthy of anyone. The fact that I can say to Hadi that I envy his girlfriend shows it all. If I was who I was back then, I wouldn't tell Hadi that. I'd be too shy to tell him all this, afraid that he might think it the wrong way. 

Other stuff, I have no idea why the lecturers are suddenly so excited to bring out the "ART" in the students. We have been doing a lot of multimedia stuff and suddenly the want to do traditional art media... Very funny. The thing is, I'm not sure by doing traditional instead of multimedia will cost less or not. We just have to see for this semester how it goes.

As for me, I decided that I want to change myself for the better. First of all, I want to do scaling on my teeth, as it seems to get worse instead of better. I need to go ask my mom permission to do this first. Second of all, I want to lose weight. I am sick of looking into the mirror and see this overweight girl. I want to wear all those fashionable clothing without looking like a fat ass who doesn't know what her size is. Then, I want need to go see a dermatologist to solve my skin problems, especially on my scalp. It is also getting worse. I think I can go to the government hospital for this, thus I can do it without the help of my mom. Then I want to grow out my hair and decide to look like a real girl instead. I know it will be tedious. I know it will be a lot of hassle. I just don't care. I am tired of being me! Plus, I think it's time for me to become a butterfly like my grandmother wanted me to be.

And someone has bluntly pointed out to me that I've changed. My attitude changed. According to her, I've become more heartless and not caring. Well, yes. That is what I want to achieve actually. I want to stop caring about other people's bullshit and for that, I need to be heartless. I don't really care if you fight with your boyfriend over mundane things, I don't care if your job is too tiring and your boss treats you like "Kuli Free". I especially don't care where you've been, which famous person you met or who have a crush on you. No, I don't care. Actually, I don't care about it since a long time ago, but I didn't have the heart to tell you. Now, since I am bored with things, I decided to be heartless and tell you I don't care, in which you've told me I've changed. What am I to you? Your sounding board is it? Well, you better get a new one because this sounding board is changing it's occupation.

Actually, I wanted to do all these since some time ago, but I never got the motivation to. I guess my grandmother's passing is somewhat like a trigger for me. I am actually kind of regretting that I never did this earlier for my grandmother to see. Somehow, inside I always thought that she will always be there for me, but apparently not. So obviously not. She was always the one who says that she wants to see me act more girlish, more lady like. Walk tall she said. But she is no longer here to see how I will change myself... And that will always be my regret...

++saykoji89++

++Things need to change NOW++