Sick of it.

I am getting sick of all these spam mails! It's never ending. My mom told me not to be mean about it, but enough is enough!

Dear certain political parties, I have no fucking idea where you got my number from, but please stop sending me spam mails and spam calls telling me to vote for you or asking which party am I voting for.

I'm sure you people learn the same Malaysian History that I did. I'm sure you learned about how Malaysia was born. And I am pretty sure you learned about the General Elections and shit. And as my memories recalled, (although I left my history subjects 6 years ago) I was taught that every vote is a secret. (Undi anda adalah rahsia). 

People, do you not get this concept? It's a fucking secret you ass! Why are you asking who I would vote for? I'm getting sick of it. I can vote for whoever I want and you can have no say in it because it's my fucking choice. I have the right to vote for whoever I want. 

And one more thing, these so called "hard core" supporters of these political parties, can you people please grow up? Stop spreading rumors and scandals all over social networking sites and  let the other brainless idiots get sucked in by it. What is the use of spreading other candidate's fault? Should you be using that time to show what your candidate can do for the country instead? Or is your candidate that useless that you have to go through some low blow stuff?

And to you brainless idiots out there. Yes, I am talking to you people who will accept whatever is being thrown your way, especially the stupid scandal and rumors targeted to humiliate the other party. Use that awesome brain that God has given you to actually THINK! I know some of you idiots out there are some lazy mofo who wouldn't want to think. Hey people, humans are the most intelligent species on Earth at the moment, please don't lower down our average. 

I know there are also some people who genuinely show support of their respected political parties. I don't really mind you standing up for what you think is right, but please don't give me bullshit reasoning. One of the example I have is someone on my Facebook shared this interestingly stupid piece of information. It has pictures of other political leader doing their prayers except for one (the rival party, obviously) who is shown on stage having fun and shit. Then, the caption down there tells us to choose a rightful leader, the one who can lead a country. 

When I saw this shared information, the first thing that came to my mind was "The people taking the pictures of people doing their solat, do they not solat as well?" I mean for a sake of a picture, would would pass up the chance of getting 27 times the pahala of solat alone? These people are weird. And the other thing that baffles me is, this thing (flyer, shared news, or whatever shit it is) is making people to have an impression that while the other leaders are fulfilling their religious duties, this one doesn't. How do you know? How can you say he does not pray? Are you with him 24/7? Do you have any proof of saying that he does not fulfill his rightful obligations to God? If you don't why are you spreading this stuff? I know I lack a lot of knowledge in the religious aspects, but the thing you are doing, doesn't it now consider a fitnah (I think it's called framing in English)?

The major thing wrong with the society nowadays is that they do not apply the Islamic aspects into politics, but instead applies political aspects into Islam. No wonder the non-muslims sees us as a useless bunch. They are having second doubts in letting a muslim to become their leader.

An ustaz once told me that Islamic way of leading a country is so fair, it has no discrimination whatsoever. So fair that the non-muslims would not see a reason to want to lead. But now, everything is so corrupted. Even the religions are getting swayed. I am so sorry to see this.

And that, my friends, is why I am so sick of everything.

++saykoji89++

++I'll be expecting a lot of flames for this entry++

My first subbing work

There is this song by UVERworld that I really like but I cannot find the subbed version anywhere. The it occurs to me, "hey, let's sub it on our own"

First I wanted to download the subbing software but apparently, after downloading a few, my laptop will run... none of them. All of the subbing software I downloaded got blocked by my anti-virus. I got frustrated, so I decided to just make the subs with Windows movie maker.

With the video ready to be subbed, I searched the internet for the English translation of the songs... To which I found none was as accurate. So, I decided to translate quite a bit of the song from my own understanding. 70% is my translation, 30% is from the translated lyrics I got from UVER.org and jpopasia.

So, this is my first subbed video. I know there is a lot of translation mistakes and some sentences don't really make sense, but deal with it.

++saykoji89++
++I did this because I could find the accurate translation++
++And I am not saying my translation is any accurate++

Happiness

“The three grand essentials for happiness in life are something to do, something to love and something to hope for” -Joseph Addison

so.... Let's test this guy's theory. 

Something to do = Get in touch with Takuya

Something to love = Takuya

Something to hope for = Get married to Takuya

So, theoretically, if I do all of the above, I'll find my happiness in life? This theory is going to be hard to prove since I already lack the part of "Get in touch with Takuya"

++saykoji89++

++sighsighsighsighsigh++

It's just a kid's show they say...

Since last month, I have been watching this one anime called Shirokuma Cafe (Polar Bear's Cafe in English)

For those who doesn't know, Shirokuma Cafe is about a world where animals walk and talk like humans. Polar Bear runs a cafe, Penguin hangs out there a lot, Panda works part-time at the zoo and Grizzly runs a bar. I've watched it since the first episode, and it was totally full of nonsense but funny in way.

These are a few examples:

New episodes come out every Thursday. So, during my birthday I was expecting a very stupid Valentine's day episode. Maybe Handa-san was trying to confess to Sasako, or Penguin being hunted by Penko-san and her 6 other siblings. But the episode that came out was totally different from usual. 

At first it was the usual Panda-kun and Joukin-san nonsense in the zoo with Handa-san scolding them. But as the episode goes on, it keeps getting sadder. When Handa-san first told Panda-kun Joukin-san will no longer be there, You don't see any changes in Panda-kun. But when he finally did break down, I realized that I was crying a long with him. How can someone who is so carefree be that sad? 

Then Panda-kun (who works at the zoo twice a week and keep hoping to work once a week) worked really hard, without complaining to forget his heartache. Penguin-san who saw how Panda-kun was destroying himself, decided to visit Panda-kun's workplace on a rainy Valentine's day. Because Panda-kun has overworked himself, he eventually feel asleep. One of the couples (a stupid one) was saying Panda-kun was boring since he was just sleeping.  Penguin-san was so mad at this statement that he scolded the couple for not knowing what Panda-kun has been through. 

By this time, I was already sobbing out loudly. I mean it's sad if you had to go through what Panda did, but it was sadder  being the friend that watches you destroying yourself and unable to do anything.

And those people says this anime is for kids? I doubt kids would have able to understand this much of feelings.

++saykoji89++

++Back to watching Shirokuma Cafe now++

I need more books....

As of lately, I find myself with nothing to do. I barely have internet access and the games are getting fairly boring. I defeated the Elite Four quite a number of times already, I drummed on Taiko too much that I'm afraid anymore further drumming might actually cause the screen to crack.

All I can do now is just reading some books.  I've reread Harry Potter series for the eleventy hundredth time, some Holmes, and my mom's Agatha Christie's. I even reread all these cheesy love novel graphics until I came to a conclusion. I need more books.

I love reading a lot. I actually prefer reading than gaming and watching TV. While you're reading, you kinda let your imagination take over and see them play in your mind as if you are watching a movie. But the thing is, a good book is hard to find. You might ask, what makes a book a good book. I'd say, a good book is when you started reading it, it's hard to put down, and when you do finish it, you get this feeling of parting with an old friend. That is my definition of a good book.

But sadly, there is not much books nowadays that catches my interest. Ever since Twilight came out, all these authors seems to be interested in doing stories about Vampires and Werewolves. And the love stories.... oh, god, they are getting more cliche than ever. Where did all the good books gone to?

When I get my BB1M, the first thing I will do is find some good materials to read. I will find them of die trying!

++saykoji89++

++My blog is very boring, why do you guys read it?++

I am just that...

Yeah, today is my birthday~ Thanks for all the wishes but somehow I secretly wanted a certain someone to wish me for my birthday. Who, you might ask? Well, if you know me well enough, you will surely find out in a blink of an eye.

Anyway, a blue bird told me this one hot gossip. It involves a certain someone-someone in a certain place. And anyway, I wanted to reply to that gossip.

First of all, the world doesn't revolve around you! Don't fucking make yourself the victim of this situation. You, only wanted people to play in the palm of your hand, dance to your rhythm. Well, other people have their own personal taste. Don't fucking decide everything until you hear all sides of the story.  And do not think you don't have any fault because trust me, nobody is perfect and that includes you.

Then, I would just like to comment on one thing. If you think I am a backstabbing friend, I seriously do not give a fuck. The only thing I would like to ask is, why do you think I am a backstabbing friend? What did I do to get that? Because from my point of view, you are one too. You only stay with people that will benefit you and once you are done with them, you dump them. You talk bad behind them.  What makes you a better friend than I am? At the very least I am not self-centred.

To be honest, I really don't care what you bitch about on twitter, on facebook or whatever other social network available.. If you have a problem with me, then talk to me. You don't have to involve other people, you know. By not attacking me directly, it shows such cowardly play.  I won't care what you do unless someone ask me to. I've said this once before and I shall say it again. I can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

Oh, and on another note, I am a type of person that does not know how to get angry. I do not know how to yell to their face when I am pissed off. I only know that if I am angry, I will distance myself from those people who made me angry.  I am also the type of person that will no hesitate to cut a friendship with people that keep testing my patience and irritates me. I've done it to a lot of people and I'm not going to stop there.

So, whatever word you want to put behind the title to describe me, I don't really care. Here, let me help you with a few:

I am just that cold-hearted

I am just that bitchy

I am just that mental

I am just that evil 

I am just that fucktard

I am just that sluty

...and whatever you want, I don't care, I don't want to care unless somebody tells me to. Until then, have fun with whatever relationship you have.

Oh, and just for your information, if your friends started leaving one by one, doesn't that make you think? Stop being so clueless and realize it already.

++saykoji89++

++fake friends she said. I wonder then what kind of friend she is?++

P/s: I would really love to tell you this straight to your face, but it seems energy consuming. So, I'll just tell it here. You don't count it as an "ex" if you haven't declared your relationship. Please don't give misleading information to people.

pp/s: And nobody really give a fuck if your boyfriend is American, European, Asian or even an alien. Stop emphasizing it every single time. This is not like the olden days where mixed marriage of different countries is rare. It has been done to death. People might think you are just after him because of his heritage, not because you really love him. 

I need money

So, after researching for quite sometime, I found a brand that Takuya has several clothing from. It's a brand called Reversal.Dogi.Design.Works. Although the design seems awesome but sadly, it's only available as a Japanese brand so far and no news about it going worldwide. 

I've wondered through the collection and I found this hoodie that Takuya is wearing here:

It's the exact same design, but the price of this hoodie (hoodie, not jacket hoodie) is JPY12,500 . That is equivalent to RM420. For a hoodie??? I can buy 2 UVERworld DVD with that money and still have some left for a magazine or two or three.

++saykoji89++

++I feel depressed++

Coffee or Tea?

During the finals week, you'll see the sight of students with coffee everywhere. Starbucks will earn their most revenue during this period. At 3 or 4 am in the morning, you'll see students in the pantry making themselves a hot cup of coffee to help them keep themselves awake.

Me? I never really like coffee. I am more of a tea type person. Nothing beats a cup of tea, hot or cold. The main reason why I don't really like coffee is because when I was small, I actually ate a spoonful of instant coffee mix. Let me tell you, it wasn't a happy experience.

Ever since I was small I like drinking tea better than coffee. I like tea more than hot cocoa. I think my love for tea started when my dad came home from somewhere (my dad travels a lot when I was small, going to places I do not know) and brought back a pack of English Breakfast Tea. 

I remembered him  placing it in the souvenirs cabinet. Curiosity got the best of me, so I took a bag and made myself a cup of English Breakfast Tea (although I was pretty sure when I made it, it was already in the afternoon.). It was heavenly. Before this, I only drink the normal Lipton tea , so having a tea that was different was a great experience.

My love for tea deepens as I grow older and get a taste of different teas. Each tea has it's own unique aroma. Earl Grey Tea, Chamomile Tea, Darjeeling Tea, Ceylon tea and much more. But lately I happen to like tea from the east better. I am in love with Green Tea and Oolong Tea.

I like these type better mostly because you don't add sugar to them. This way you can taste the true flavor of the tea. I don't really know how to explain this things since I am not an expert on tea but bear with me. Oh, and I don't mean those bottled green tea either. Although the essence of the Green Tea is still there but the taste has been compromised by adding sugar, lemon and whatever else they put in there.

If you want a good taste of Green Tea or Ocha, I suggest you go to a Japanese restaurant. And not the cheap kind like Sushi King. Sushi King's Green Tea taste like plain water, but smells like Green Tea. The best Green Tea I ever had was in a Japanese restaurant in Cyberjaya. I wouldn't mind going there again for the tea. But sadly, the price of the food is wee bit too expensive for a student like me. I wonder if I can just go there for the tea? Refillable Green Tea is only RM2.50. I know it's free in Sushi King, but I would mind paying if I can get something as awesome as that.

++saykoji89++

++Gimme Kiraku's Green Tea, onegaishimasu++

I am afraid

This is kind of related to my last blog post. So yeah.

Firstly, happy new year. If I have ever done anything during last year that annoyed you, pisses you off, said the wrong things or completely ignoring you,

....suck it up, because this year is not going to be any difference.

Okay, back to the original story, from what I've researched on the internet, and according to this quiz I take, I might have MS. MS is actually Multiple Sclerosis which means, there is something wrong with your nerves.

But nothing is confirmed yet. I first have to see a doctor about this. Too bad here in Putrajaya/Cyberjaya area there is no neurologist around. I may just have to suck it up and go to a government clinic to see what they want my diagnosis to be.

The thing about MS is, there is no known cure. This statement is what scares me the most. In fact, to be bluntly honest, when I first searched the internet and I found out my symptoms were similar to MS, just thinking that I might have this disease made me cry. Although you cannot possibly die of MS, but you can die of having complications due to MS.

But thinking on the positive side, (this will be very insensitive from my side) but at least MS is not as bad as ALS? And it's not even as bad as Spinocerebellar Ataxia? I don't know. Again, I might be over thinking some things. Maybe it's just a normal thing. Maybe it's nothing as bad of a disease. Maybe I'm just stressed out. I don't know... 

But all I know is that it is very frustrating when you don't know what is wrong with your body. And not to be mean to the medicinal practices in Malaysia, but these doctors expect you to know what is wrong with your body. It seems like you have to diagnose yourself, go to the doctor to get him to supply you with medicines legally. And sometimes, it seems like the patients know more than the doctors themselves... 

Anyway, enough ranting. Just by ranting here and there, I have 4 pain jolts in different area and muscle twitching all over the place. At first you might not seem to care, but I'm telling you, after more than a year of this, it is very very VERY irritating. I'll just pop by the doctor's office tomorrow.

++saykoji89++

++My body is really a weird thing++

I Think...

I think there might be something wrong with me... And I don't mean mentally. I already know there is something wrong with me mentally ever since I was small.. I think there is something wrong with me physically.

First of all, the twitching. Usually, a twitch here and there is normal. But sometimes, I get twitches that last more than 5 minutes on a daily basis. It's really annoying. Especially, when you are trying to sleep. I am a type of person that can barely sleep now days. For me to really get a good night rest, had to take sleeping pills.  But I don't really rely on that at the moment. I don't want to become too dependent on medication. So, when I try to sleep without the pills, I couldn't afford any distraction (like the annoying twitching) or I could my precious sleep.

Secondly, at times, my hand will be shivering like mad. Usually, when my friends noticed it, I will laugh it off and say "I lack glucose/sodium" but actually I am a bit worried. It's not the normal shiver like the one you get when you're cold. It's the one like a Parkinson people have. Sometimes that scares me...

Then, I have noticed that my hand-eye coordination is getting way off. I have been noticing this for a long time now. That is why lately I have been playing rhythm games such as Taiko, Project Diva, and Beats!. I am just testing my hand eye coordination. It's getting bad as the day goes. Sometimes, even when I type, I'll press a button next to it instead. It has happened too often that it is just too hard to ignore anymore. And usually, to open the lock to my room door or plug in my charger to my phone, I could do it in one try. But lately, that is not what's happening. Sometimes I feel like a drunk person trying to open the door or plugging in the charger to his phone. It's kinda frustrating.

Sometimes I think I am just over thinking these stuff, but sometimes I wonder, what is there is something wrong, and when I found out, it's too late to do anything... I don't want to check the internet for these symptoms because it will always gives you the worst case scenario, but I also don't want to consult a doctor because I feel ridiculous... What should I do?

++saykoji89++

++my body is a strange thing++

Yay Or No Yay?

Today (It was yesterday actually, considering it's already 1:30 AM) I was being all giddy and excited. Wanna know why? 

First of all, I decided to make my own own UVERworld Fan Blog. The link is http://sekaiwokoeru.blogspot.com. Please visit there if you want to see the latest update on UVERworld. I'm thinking of inviting someone else to help me handle the blog, but we'll see how.

Secondly, D-san has been answering our prayers questions on twitter earlier today. So I have asked a few questions and he answers. Too bad he didn't reply to the owner of the question. It's something like an unmention kind of thing. Anyway, while I was being happy about him answering questions, there are some answers that kind of destroyed my hope and dreams.

We asked him about UVERworld World Tour. He says that the main problem would be cost and scheduling. So it doesn't seem like like UVERworld is having any World Tour anytime soon.

I also asked him a few other questions. I asked whether Takuya likes to run, and he answers that Takuya loves running and this summer, he ran 1000km. Not sure if I should believe, but okay. I then asked is THE SONG DVD with English subs is coming out, and he said they are working on it. Which means I have to save money.  Then, he asked for fan sites link which I was gladly to link him to UVER.org, UVERworld LJ , UVERworld Malaysian Fan Community FB page, and OVER the UVER, which all I am following. But he didn't answer one of my questions which makes me feel kind of ignored. He didn't answer my question on why won't the UVERworld members have twitter account.

Anyway, that's all for this update. I'll be updating a lot on my new UVERworld base blog, so I wonder if I will have more time here....

++saykoji89++

++I wish you have your own twitter account++

I am an asshole...

....when I don't get enough sleep. As I write this, I haven't sleep for more than 34 hours. I am cranky, childish beyond reason, and a total asshole. Yes, I admit, I am a total asshole. Yesterday, while I was at the hospital, I was so short of throwing a tantrum, and even being all sarcastic, and even calling my friend's question stupid. Usually, I would be more tact and just answer it, no matter how stupid I thought the question was. It was her first time to get her blood taken for a blood test, and here I am saying her questions are stupid. I am stupid for saying it.

Anyway, yesterday I went to Putrajaya Hospital to continue my treatment for my Bipolar. And yes, I am Bipolar and lately it's going for the worse. My mood still fluctuates between crying my heart out and laughing my ass up. It's affecting my sleep too, thus the lack of sleep, thus the crankiness. Anyway, I went to the hospital to seek help, and without seeing a doctor, I have an appointment next year. Wow. If I was in the condition when I was in UiTM, I would have just offed myself. Yeah, isn't it going to be ironic that your mental patient could make to her first appointment because while you asses sit there chit chatting and what not, your patient couldn't see anyone about her problem, and she suicides. How's that? Oh, and don't pretend that you doctors and nurses are totally innocent. I see you people gather at the nurses counter gossiping about people you hardly know about. Don't even get me started about the Doctor-Patient Confidentiality, because to put it bluntly, there's none.

Do you know why people see psychiatrist? They know there is something wrong with them. And here they are, seeking help from you people. They share with you everything, and here you are, judging these people that needs your help, gossiping about these patients at the nurses' counter. Usually, it would bother me because Malaysian are Kepochi by nature, but yesterday, it just pisses me off. I really want to throw my heavy sling bag to their faces. But if I really did that, it's either I be getting my time in the ward or the jail.

And then while we had to wait for what seems an eternity at the pharmacist for them to process the medications (my friend's not mine), I saw this ad they put on tv. It goes "Don't take fevers lightly, check for dengue fever". I find this ad very VERY funny. You see, somewhere in the middle of this year, I had a very high fever, that goes on for about 4 days. Seeing the fever did not subsides, I went to Putrajaya Hospital for treatment. I went there, with my high fever, wanting to see a doctor to see what is wrong with me. I thought with a 39 degrees Celcius fever that has been going on for 4 days was already an urgent case for me to be able to go through the Emergency and Trauma unit, seeing the hospital had no outpatient treatment center. 

But apparently, it wasn't the case. They denied me to see a doctor and told me to go to the Putrajaya Health Clinic instead saying it's just probably a normal fever. It's funny how I ended up getting warded at Subang Jaya Medical Centre, a hospital that is in a whole different district, for, wait for it, DENGUE FEVER, the next day. Wow. I am speechless towards these people. Here you are, promoting for people not to take fever lightly, but when they do come to you, you redirect them to another medical place? Usually I wouldn't be so prissy about it, but since I lack sleep, I'm going to bitch about it.

Anyway, I am going to try to sleep now, which I doubt I will. The last time I tried to sleep, I suddenly had the urge to finish up my photoshop assignment which I end up make the model's picture damn scary, and redirect me to write a blogpost. If I am still unable to sleep, I will seriously consider to ask someone to give me a concussion. And no, I'm not kidding. It's either that or I will forcefully make myself sleep permanently. 

++saykoji89++

++I feel like killing the next person with stupid updates/statuses++

Pure Bliss

...is the state I am in at the moment. Let me explain.

Before I begin, I need you to know UVERworld and dR2-san.

UVERworld is a J-Rock band that I adore from the bottom of my heart. It was introduced to me by my Laling. UVERworld is currently the only thing in the world that I haven't grow bored of. You see, I get bored by things due to my ADHD. Anyway, me not getting bored of UVERworld is a big thing.

dR2-san (-san is just a formality in Japanese language. Something like Mr. in English) is an UVERworld staff. He updates us fans about UVERworld's activity. He take snapshots of the member and teasingly put it up on twitter so the fans can go "KYAAAA". In short, he is the middleman of UVERworld and the fans.

Now that we covered the basics, 

You see, just now I saw someone tweeted to dR2-san's twitter account 

"@dR2_for_overseas I'm falling in love with intro of Awayokuba! It's beautiful! (^0^)"

So, naturally I was thinking, why not try my luck and try and tweet him. By my luck, he may retweet me too. So, as I was finding what song to tell him that I am in love with, I found myself coming to a stump... I can't choose! I mean, I love every single song by them. I can't decide which song to tell him I like most. Then, I just decided that I might as well tell him that.

And so I tweeted this

and HE DID RETWEET IT!!!! I AM SO BLOODY HAPPY THAT I COULD CRY!!!!

Okay, some of you people might think, "Oh, so? What is the big deal? He just retweeted it". Remember when I say he was the middleman between UVERworld and the fans? Well, it goes both ways. By some miracle, Takuya will see that tweet, and maybe he recognizes me? Dream on, you might say. Just let me be happy in my own fantasy.

++saykoji89++

++Takuya needs a twitter account. No, I need Takuya to have a twitter account++

My Christmas List

If by any chance, one of my readers is an eccentric rich person, with a hell lot of money, and do not know what to do with it, can you grant me these wishes? 

1. UVERworld Arena Tour ticket, 22nd December 2012, Fukuoka Kokusai Center

See more here.

2. PRS Guitar Private Stock Hollowbody II

 (#1143 1P Quilt Top & Back "kissing hummingbird inlays" -Faded Aquamarine-)

3. XYLOBAND x UVERworld Tour Goods

(Blue and Red)

4. FREEDOM CGR Ventura4 (Blue, Semihollow specification)

(The one that Nobuto used for Xmas Premium Live 2011)

5.  UVERworld hoodie

6. Denim jacket

(the one in the picture)

7.  Black Converse All Star Sneakers

8. New pillows~

9. New album

(my old one is full already)

10. Fully sponsored trip to Kusatsu, Shiga, Japan.

++saykoji89++

++I do hope someone out there is rich enough to give me all these++

Of my grandmother

I just came back from my Aunt's place in Rawang for an awesome BBQ~ Thanks Auntie Emma. It was really delicious. Don't sweat of why mama's black pepper sauce is different from yours. Everyone has their own unique recipe.

Anyway, while I was there, my aunt said that recently she dreamed of my grandmother. According to her, my grandmother suddenly woke up. She asked my aunt to buy for my brother's fiance a gold bracelet for their engagement. When she said that, I remembered that I too had recently dreamed about my grandmother. I can't really remember the details, but I dreamed that I spent the whole day with her, like I used to do when I was still young. No phones, no laptops, no internet. Just me, her and lots of fun.

Before my grandmother passed away, I had a dream of her back then too. It was about two weeks before she passed. I dreamed that we were all in her hospital private room. She was awake and able too speak to us. You see, before my grandmother passed, most of the time she just slept, and even if she's awake, she could speak coherently. Anyway, in that dream, she was saying her goodbyes to everyone of her children. She said goodbye to me last before I was awake from that dream. She told me, I was the greatest gift that God has given her. I still cried every time I remembered that dream. God, I miss her. I really do. Everything around me reminds me of her. It's hard to let go, if everything reminds me of you, nenek. 

++saykoji89++

++Al-Fatihah to my grandmother, Safiah Abdullah++

I don't really know anymore

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately (well, yes. I do think sometimes) and I find myself wondering, "Is this what I really want?"

You see, as I was growing up, I had this really weird habit of wanting something so damn hard that when I finally get it, I don't even want them anymore. Like all the excite and anxiety has been used up by just wanting them. I hate it when this happens. Oh, example you ask? Let me give you a few...

When I was younger, I really, REALLY wanted to go to boarding school, but when I did get enrolled, all I want to do is go back to my old school.

I used to really, REALLY want a pet, but now that the room is almost like a mini zoo, I felt like these pets are a hassle.

I also used to really, REALLY want a smartphone, but now that I have it, I felt like it is the most incompetent tool I have ever have AND if my brother ever read this, he'll call me an ingrate, confiscate back the phone so fast that it'll make my head spin.

Anyway, my point is I am being such an ungrateful bitch towards the life God has gave me, and I lose my interest in stuff too damn quickly.

Now is the part where I get all mushy, and bitchy and delusional. So, if you are not comfortable with all these, please stop reading. I will not be accounted for the pains of your side bursting for laughing at me, or nausea, or any other ailments you might have from reading my rants below.

You see, I currently like this guy. He's hardworking, attractive, and all that I could ever look for in a guy. Oh, and he's older of me by 10 years. But he's only 10 years older. Not 20. That's old enough to be my dad. (By the way, my dad is actually older than me by more than 20 years, but you get the point.)

this is the guy I was talking about

Anyway, most of the people know him as Takuya, vocalist of UVERworld. If you don't know who UVERworld are, I strongly suggest either you kill yourself, or look it up in wikipedia. Hey, it's your choice.

Anyway, I like the guy. I actually like Takuya more than a like should be, but not to the point of loving him. I can't "love" him yet, I don't know him personally. Right now, I am having a complex feeling. I like the guy. I would do anything, ANYTHING, to meet him. Let's just say, I like this guy so much, that everyday I pray that someday I hoped to end up with him. (pathetic, I know)

But, recently, I had this weird feeling that UVERworld is going to perform live in Malaysia. (Not saying that it's true, but it's just a feeling). I would kill for the tickets, and I would kill and resuscitate the same damn person for a backstage pass. 

But ever since I had this weird dream, I start to feel a little insecure with myself. What if he just sees me as a typical fan? What if he sees me as a crazy stalker? And the biggest what if question I could think of is, "What if he accepts me as his girlfriend (by some miracle), I ended up getting bored of him?" I seem to do that a lot, and I would really hate it if it were to happen....

I don't know...

I really don't know....

++saykoji89++

++please ignore my early morning rants, they're weird++

A story I'm creating at the moment

I found drawings I did a few years back, probably in 2008 or 2009 and I named it Syuokunian or something. Well, recently I decided to make a new story based on that but I decided to give it a new twist. I'm tried of the Japanese name, the Japanese settings, so I decided to go fictional~ I'm creating fictional countries and fictional powers all from my fictional brain. Yeah, you read that right, my brain doesn't exist. It's a fictional being, somewhere along the unicorns and pegasus.

Anyway, hopefully this won't be another abandoned project. I hope I can get Laling to join in this project with me... Come laling, we become like Bakuman punya manga-ka. I come out with the storyline, and you draw... My drawing is not constant at the moment~ hahaha~

++saykoji89++

++Will this become an official artwork? I don't know++

Falling to pieces

I was listening to this song earlier that the first thing that came to my mind was him. Somehow the lyrics reminds me of him. I know nothing has ever happened between us, but he is a crush that I somehow can never forget..

I have no idea why I cannot let go of my petty crush on him. But back then I really, really liked him. I have no idea why. He's not that good looking. He did anything to impress me. But why do I like him anyways?

Well, for now let's try to continue to get over him...

++saykoji89++

The need to write...

...but not sure what...

I'm alone in the room right now. My only roommate went back early since she had a court session soon. Secretly, I like to say she has court session because of the reactions I will get. It'll be like "What have she done?", or "Eh? What happen?" or "Is she the witness to something?". But apparently either my friends are too used to me or boring. So far, the only reaction I got was "Meh." I need classier friends.

Currently, am trying to carve Ravel's Bolero into my brain so I can paint tomorrow. The lecturer said about getting a song that represents you, and at that moment, my mind instantly went to Bolero. I wanted to say UVERworld at first, but the lecturer did say a song that describes you, UVERworld just describes my feelings. It's different in a way.

Yeah, and Hadi said he's be willing to give one of his guinea pigs if it's a male... I haven't had a guinea pig before, so it's kind of awesome in a way, but where to put it? The hostel room is kinda too crowded for a guinea pig... Okay, actually it's not, but since all the mattresses are on the floor instead of their respective beds, we barely even have space to walk, let alone keep large pets... If only we can let the guinea pig be free like a cat, it'd be easier... If we really want to keep it, than some changes need to be done.

Oh, and recently I've been added to a group on Facebook. Apparently, they traced out most of the relatives on my mom's side back to my great great grandfather. To be truly honest, it's really awkward for me to be in that group. It's full of people I don't know! And I am very bad at first impressions! That would totally explains my lack of friends. And to be more honest, they look like the type to judge whatever you do. I'm just assuming, but the do look like that. I know that I am like the black sheep of the family, and I certainly do not need anymore judging from people I don't know.

And yes, I still haven't gotten used of not having my grandmother. I'm confused actually. I'm confused whether am I in denial of her death? I don't think I am in denial. I can accept the fact that she has passed away but somehow my heart don't want to accept the fact that she's gone forever. It's like my mind doesn't want to let it go either. I'm not saying that it's bad or anything, but this is going to be bad for my mental health. Sometimes late at night, I just closed my eyes and thought, "Ah, I want to hear her voice". In fact I'm pretty sure I can still hear her calling me "A'in". I miss having to talk to her about my crushes, my friends, my comics. I miss listening to her tales. I miss her. I miss nenek... This is the first time I felt losing someone really important. Before this, whenever someone told me their relatives passed away, I would be just like "Oh, my condolences." and it wouldn't cross my mind anymore. Even when my maternal grandmother passed away, I cried for about 10 minutes, and I never give second thought about it. But now, now I can't do the same. No matter how much I want to put it behind me I can't. I just can't. Instead, I just cried and cried  and cried. I know if my grandmother was here, she would have scolded me.

Ah, I better stop here before this post gets weirder and more depressing.

++saykoji89++

Update on my life

...because it's just so damn interesting.But it's not. It is seriously not that interesting. 

First of all, I would like to thank my scumbag brain for triggering my depression. Every time I seem to have gotten over my grandmother's passing, my brain will decide to be a scumbag and say "Eh, it's been a long time since you last called Nenek, let's call her. Eh, but wait, she already passed away last month right?", in which will make me shed a tear. If my brain is a person, I would kill it already. Fuck you brain. You are an asshole of the highest order. Usually, I wouldn't mind, but not in front of my friends, please. I will have a hard time trying to explain why am I crying out of nowhere.

Secondly, I would again thank my asshole brain for not letting me forget about Hafiz. Why can't you be like heart, and get over him. Dude, he has a girlfriend for God's sake. Let it go! It has been 6 years. He has his own life, and you have your own. He is most probably no longer the guy you know already. He changed. I've changed. I am also no longer the same person I was back then. So, if you mind, please stop being so hung up on him. Stop dreaming of him, please just forget all about him. I know your policy of forgetting things that are not important. He is not that important! FORGET HIM!

Next, I've been thinking it must be awesome for someone to have Ryan as a boyfriend. He is good looking, mature and yet playful at the same time and when he does something, he puts his mind to it, and not to mention, he knows how to dance. Not dance as in the Gangnam Style, but as in Waltz, Tango and Ballroom dancing. It's hard to find guys like that. But, here's the thing, I say all that, but somehow I don't feel attracted to him... In fact, I don't feel attracted to anyone. Not sure if low self esteem or commitment issues. Sometimes I just want to be in a relationship, especially since my older brother is getting married soon, but sometimes, I just don't feel like attaching myself to anyone. I don't feel like I am worthy of anyone. The fact that I can say to Hadi that I envy his girlfriend shows it all. If I was who I was back then, I wouldn't tell Hadi that. I'd be too shy to tell him all this, afraid that he might think it the wrong way. 

Other stuff, I have no idea why the lecturers are suddenly so excited to bring out the "ART" in the students. We have been doing a lot of multimedia stuff and suddenly the want to do traditional art media... Very funny. The thing is, I'm not sure by doing traditional instead of multimedia will cost less or not. We just have to see for this semester how it goes.

As for me, I decided that I want to change myself for the better. First of all, I want to do scaling on my teeth, as it seems to get worse instead of better. I need to go ask my mom permission to do this first. Second of all, I want to lose weight. I am sick of looking into the mirror and see this overweight girl. I want to wear all those fashionable clothing without looking like a fat ass who doesn't know what her size is. Then, I want need to go see a dermatologist to solve my skin problems, especially on my scalp. It is also getting worse. I think I can go to the government hospital for this, thus I can do it without the help of my mom. Then I want to grow out my hair and decide to look like a real girl instead. I know it will be tedious. I know it will be a lot of hassle. I just don't care. I am tired of being me! Plus, I think it's time for me to become a butterfly like my grandmother wanted me to be.

And someone has bluntly pointed out to me that I've changed. My attitude changed. According to her, I've become more heartless and not caring. Well, yes. That is what I want to achieve actually. I want to stop caring about other people's bullshit and for that, I need to be heartless. I don't really care if you fight with your boyfriend over mundane things, I don't care if your job is too tiring and your boss treats you like "Kuli Free". I especially don't care where you've been, which famous person you met or who have a crush on you. No, I don't care. Actually, I don't care about it since a long time ago, but I didn't have the heart to tell you. Now, since I am bored with things, I decided to be heartless and tell you I don't care, in which you've told me I've changed. What am I to you? Your sounding board is it? Well, you better get a new one because this sounding board is changing it's occupation.

Actually, I wanted to do all these since some time ago, but I never got the motivation to. I guess my grandmother's passing is somewhat like a trigger for me. I am actually kind of regretting that I never did this earlier for my grandmother to see. Somehow, inside I always thought that she will always be there for me, but apparently not. So obviously not. She was always the one who says that she wants to see me act more girlish, more lady like. Walk tall she said. But she is no longer here to see how I will change myself... And that will always be my regret...

++saykoji89++

++Things need to change NOW++